Today has been one of those days. The emotional kind. I got woken up at 9am, which really isn’t early buuuut I got woken up to be given a shot, so I wasn’t a happy camper. Then while the nurse is giving me the shot she tells me that my white blood count is still below .1. I know I haven’t updated in a while, but it’s been this low for like the past 7 days and I’ve been getting these neupogen shots EVERYDAY. So basically I woke up in a awful mood and it didn’t get much better because I have had the WORST stomach cramps all day due to Mother Nature and her terrible timing. All of the PMS symptoms are adding to me being frustrated an annoyed and tired so I’ve been a HUGE ball of fun today, if you can’t tell by the lovely tone of this paragraph.
Fortunately my day did a complete turn around in the afternoon. My friend and sorority sister A. text me and told me her psychichad said that “she had a friend who was sick but if they kept their faith in God, he would heal them,” (pyschic talking about God is ify, but since it’s good news, I’m going with it.)
Read this text message and tears were immediately falling from my eyes. It’s so incredibly how steadfast God’s love for us is. On the days that I need encouragement and feel the most alone he always finds a way to let me know that he is here for me. With this and the lady at the coffee shop, there is honestly no way I could not keep my faith in him. He is continuously showing and “proving” that he is there for me. Which is the craziest of circumstances because if anyone should be proving anything I should be proving my loyalty and devotion to him. I see people who faith is so entrusted in the Lord and it inspires me so much to be a better believer.
Its moments like that, the ones that touch you so deeply, you cry instantly, those are the moments that I live for. This battle with Lymphoma has truly been and probably will be the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and it has changed me in so many ways I couldn’t even begin to describe all of them.
Frankly, Cancer is a bitch. It turns the your body against you and strives to take away everything that is important to you and yes, everyday is a constant battle, emotionally and physically. There have been days where I’ve wanted to do nothing but sleep because cancer had “taken” my life away from me. There have been countless times where I’ve cried for the silliest of reasons. Whether it was my favorite food tasting gross because my chemo altered my taste buds, or the times where I’d be starving yet I couldn’t eat anything because there were sores on my tongue, and even mashed potatoes were to rough to eat. The times where I’ve taken showers just so I can cry. Cancer has pointed out all the things I took for granted. Going to school. Taking tests. Seeing my friends everyday. Going to the movies. Living carefree of germs. Brushing my hair. Washing my hair. Smelling the scent of shampoo when the wind blows your hair. Eating your favorite foods and taking in just HOW great they taste. Those are just a few things I’ve taken for granted that I will never take for granted again in my life. When I get back to school, I will never complain about how I have SO much homework to do, or how I can’t go out on the weekends because I have to study.
Even though Cancer has treated me so badly, I wouldn’t change it. Yes, all of it sucks, but it has given me so many thanks to be thankful for. I now know who my real friends are. The ones who will drive 3 hours to see you when you’re in the hospital even if it just for a few hours and all you do is sit there and talk. I know now just how important my education is to me. Before all of this if you told me how hard I would fight to stay in school, I’d probably think you’re crazy. I know that even though at the time, and even know I’d say that losing my hair was the hardest part of it all, hair is jut hair. It grows back, and it doesn’t show how beautiful you are. It simply acts as an accent to your inner beauty. In which I’ve become more comfortable with presenting. Before this, I had friendships and relationships that had been tested but I never felt like I opened up. I would just say “I’m fine”, smile, and immediately ask them how they were, but now, I open up to people. I don’t sugar coat things as often as I had which has made me feel like a bigger bitch but I think this experience has just made me grow up and realize the difference between whats important, and what isn’t. I now know whether or not to make a huge deal about something or if I just let it go because it isn’t worth the arguement. I’ve changed so much throughout this experience so how the heck am I supposed to answer the question “How has cancer impacted your life and your goals,” for all the scholarships? I’d sound like a complete nut if I put all the ways it’s effected me onto paper. They’d seriously commit me to an institution. No lie.
WOW, if you just read all of that and it makes sense, I’m so sorry. I got on a rant, and just kept going and well I’m going to re-read it and change little mistakes of course but I usually like to just keep my feelings pure; how I felt at that exact moment.
And it feels so great to get all that off my chest, even though right now, I feel so vulnerable posting it on the internet, but I’m going to do it. I got this blog to describe my journey and well lets be honest I’ve been sucking at that. I look at tumblr everyday I just never write entries which is SO weird. I read my dashboard, go look at the directory, blah… blah… blah… but I never actually really remember to write in it. I’d say I promise I will, but I’ll forget. I’m terrible at remembering things like that which is so weird because when I’m in it to win it, like at school I’m organized to the second. I just need a planner I guess to organize my life and write a to-do list, even though it would consist of boring time filling tasks. Ok, well I’m rambling now, and I should sleep because I desperately want my counts to go up. goodnight.
K.
